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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23800756">Esrim</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/najaeri/pseuds/najaeri'>najaeri</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>DBSK | Tohoshinki | TVfXQ | TVXQ</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Adults, Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Time Travel, Angst, Drama, Fantasy, Fluff, High School, M/M, Romance, Slice of Life, Teenagers, Time Travel</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-04-23</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-04-23</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-02 23:42:35</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>12,497</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/23800756</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/najaeri/pseuds/najaeri</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Kim Jaejoong embraced his pain reminiscing his old days. Yes, he was happy. Yes, he loved where he stood, but there was a piece missing. And that old puzzle came back from the past.</p><div class="center">
  <p>
    
  </p>
</div>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Jung Yunho &amp; Kim Jaejoong, Jung Yunho/Kim Jaejoong, Kim Jaejoong &amp; Jung Yunho</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>7</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Esrim</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The apartment was filled with dreams and hopes. He was sure no one could see them but him, but he was fine with that understanding. After all, no matter how many parties he threw or how many people came, it was the same abandonment feeling. It never went away; it always persuaded him. He decided to mix it with his dreams of reunion and his hopes for a better future since he couldn’t have happiness.</p><p>He had to admit that the sentiment has never returned. And he has tried several times to reach it, but nothing could be done. He prayed, sometimes laughed, and even cried, but the most similar feeling he could have was peace, which was still good, but he wanted her.</p><p>He wanted happiness. </p><p>He sighed, knowing that his thoughts won’t get him anywhere but sadness. He was used to it, he was used to feeling nostalgic and melancholic all the time, but he tried to beat his depression. He wasn’t going to let her win. She has won too many times and he almost kissed the deepest of his own abysm a few years ago. Depression still kept him company, unlike happiness, but he ignored her.</p><p>It was for his own good.</p><p>However, when he took his cell phone out of his pocket and wondered around his contacts, he immediately knew she was going to win once again. He damned the heavens, his love, and every single emotion he felt for the other, who shall not be named. Since he saw him for the first and last time in the army, he knew he was bound to romance him forever. He couldn’t deny it, he couldn’t hide it. Every single memory was around him and he was even tattooed in his flesh. </p><p>And it just hurt him. It destroyed him to not have him. More than 5 years passed since he never contacted him and 2 more years passed after that first encounter and the pain always increased along with his love. He thought it would stop growing but he was wrong, oh so wrong. The strength increased and his memories haunted him, making him think if it was really worth it.</p><p>But it was. It required more valor, but he knew he was fine.</p><p>And as long as he was fine, so was he.</p><p>He began to count how many times the other changed his phone number and he half-smiled. He deleted his members and even the TVXQ’s maknae as well, but never his. He couldn’t. His heart didn’t allow it.</p><p>20.</p><p>Who he considered his other-half has changed his number precisely 20 times and he had every single number written down along with the dates when it exactly happened. He even remembered what happened after his favorite leader gave them the numbers. But now, he wondered if those numbers were still disconnected, or given to a new owner. Most likely the second thing happened, but he just couldn’t stop thinking about it.</p><p>“I’m crazy,” he said to himself, the smile never leaving his face. </p><p>And he knew that once an idea was in his head, he couldn’t let it go. So he decided to do it; he was going to text every single number the same message and let nature run its course. He knew it was just plain stupid, he was sure that those numbers were just left in the dark or with another person, but he was an idiot. He has always been.</p><p>That’s why he fell in love with the leader.</p><p>Maybe if he weren’t a moron, he wouldn’t have been suffering after all these years.</p><p>
  <strong>To: Yun 2002</strong><br/>
<em>I miss you so much to the point I can’t live sometimes. You are in my head every day, every night. I wonder what could have happened to us. If I could be able to stop time, I would have done the impossible to retain you at my side. </em>
</p><p>He copied the message and sent it to every single number he had under his name. After a few seconds of finishing his deed, he laughed. He was really an idiot. What was he thinking?</p><p>“I just scared some people away,” he said, sighed for the second time and simply threw his phone away, not willing to hear the vibration that immediately came after he sent the weird messages. </p><p>“It will be a better day tomorrow,” he told himself, trying to convince his soul to not suffer anymore. He knew he was just lying, but it was better than nothing.  </p><p>And with those thoughts in mind, he went to sleep.</p><p>+++</p><p>The next day, he found his phone flooded with messages. He had 10 different messages, but from the same number, which was kind of odd. However, he decided to not read any. He wasn’t in the mood and he was just being nostalgic. He should have done a song like he did when he wrote “A Sunny Day”. But no, his stupidity was enough to make him send a text to all those numbers who didn’t even exist anymore.</p><p>Except for that one.</p><p>To keep his mind occupied, he decided to take his MacBook out. He rarely uses it, but he was sure it still worked. He mostly read horror stories or any book his eyes laid interest in. Although he had to admit that he was so busy that sometimes months passed without him turning on the computer or even reading. But he was taking a well-deserved break he immediately regretted when he started to have second thoughts and breakdowns like the one he had yesterday. He knew that one of the main reasons he worked non-stop was to prevent things like this to happen.</p><p>But they were literally forcing him and his personal doctor was concerned about his voice.</p><p>He lost his leader, he wasn’t able to take another loss of that magnitude.</p><p>Jaejoong started to lurk around to nothing in particular; news, manhwa, and fashion. He spent a solid hour in those until he decided to go to his old email, the one he first created when he was a trainee. He still knew the password; very cliché and idiotic to the point he wanted to delete it. But it contained so many memories he always left it there, untouched. </p><p>He was glad he rarely took drastic decisions in his life.</p><p>The main vocal started laughing uncontrollably when he saw the last email received was way back in 2006 and it was Junsu complaining about the maknae’s insatiable appetite and how he ate the sushi he was craving for weeks. He suddenly recalled the scene in his mind and he just couldn’t stop laughing. It was hilarious.</p><p>Oh, fun times!</p><p>He kept reading his emails back and forth, not being bored for even a second until his laughs stopped and almost turned into cries when he found his leader’s old email address.</p><p>
  <strong>Subject: WASSAP</strong><br/>
<em>I just miss you!!!!!!!!!!!! When r u coming back?????????</em>
</p><p>Jaejoong swore he had tears in his eyes.</p><p>He immediately placed in hands in the keyboard, replying to the email like he was still in that era; as if nothing has changed between them.</p><p>
  <strong>Subject: Soon</strong><br/>
<em>And I hope you dream of me as I have done for all these years…</em>
</p><p>And he pressed send, opening his eyes in disbelief after he did it.</p><p>“Noooooooo…” it started as a scream but was finished as a murmur. He slapped his face a few times and then smashed his head against the keyboard several times as well, punishing his behavior.</p><p>“I’m done,” he said, his face red and full of letters. “I am a hundred percent done with my stupidity. I need to leave this house,” were his last words before he immediately closed his MacBook and went to get dressed in less than 5 minutes.</p><p>He grabbed his keys, his cell phone and was about to place all of them in his pocket when he felt his cell phone vibrating. He sighed, pretty sure that it was because he made the mistake of sending those messages. He really pitied himself; he never thought he was desperate enough to do it but he was. And now, he was paying the consequences. </p><p>He decided to quickly check and gasped in surprise.</p><p>20.</p><p>He had 20 messages from the same number.</p><p>“He’s really persistent,” he said out loud to no one in particular. He unlocked the phone and went through some of them.</p><p>
  <strong>From: Yun 2002 </strong><br/>
<em>Wow………. Ummmm who r u? </em>
</p><p>
  <strong>From: Yun 2002</strong><br/>
<em>Seems deep………. Is it ur lost lover?</em>
</p><p>
  <strong>From: Yun 2002</strong><br/>
<em>Is this a prank or smth??????????????? </em>
</p><p>
  <strong>From: Yun 2002</strong><br/>
<em>Heyyyyyyyyyyyyy</em>
</p><p>
  <strong>From: Yun 2002</strong><br/>
<em>Do u know how difficult is to text on this phone?????</em>
</p><p>Jaejoong laughed at that last comment. It made him recall to that time, phones were in trend and everyone tried to text but it was mostly impossible. Each key had 3-4 alphabetic words and it was just ridiculous. He even remembers wasting 10 minutes of his life just trying to say something to another person in a brief sentence. </p><p>But that made him wonder why… Why that person was telling him it was difficult to text? Texting nowadays was the most feasible and useful thing. Even kids were doing it. There was no way to be tricky or hard. He was just playing with him.</p><p>So he answered.</p><p>
  <strong>To: Yun 2002</strong><br/>
<em>Texting is easy.</em>
</p><p>And he waited for an answer that arrived almost 7 minutes later.</p><p>
  <strong>From: Yun 2002</strong><br/>
<em>No its not!!!! I have to press the same key for 1-2 minutes……</em>
</p><p>Jaejoong arched an eyebrow.<br/>
What was he talking about? Those cell phones didn’t even exist anymore unless the person bought it on the internet. And not even then… Who would want it? Sure, they were durable and they could last more than 4 years without breaking, but c’mon! Everyone wanted the last technology, like a Samsung Galaxy 8 or an iPhone X. He was not buying it.</p><p>
  <strong>To: Yun 2002</strong><br/>
<em>You are exaggerating. </em>
</p><p>And the reply came after another 7-8 minutes.</p><p>
  <strong>From: Yun 2002</strong><br/>
<em>I swear!!!! If I could take a picture I would but that phone is expensive so………</em>
</p><p>“Are you fucking kidding me…” he said, not believing the text.</p><p>That person is either nuts or was just playing with his head.</p><p>He decided to keep the conversation. After all, it was getting interesting no matter how weird it sounded.</p><p>
  <strong>To: Yun 2002</strong><br/>
<em>Why are you interested in talking to me anyway? I’m just a stranger.</em>
</p><p>His response shocked him.</p><p>
  <strong>From: Yun 2002</strong><br/>
<em>It sounded heartbroken……….. U really want that person in ur life</em>
</p><p>Jaejoong sighed, giving a response immediately after.</p><p>
  <strong>To: Yun 2002</strong><br/>
<em>I do.</em>
</p><p>And the last answer almost made him gag.</p><p>
  <strong>From: Yun 2002</strong><br/>
<em>Go and get him!!!! Or her!!!! Btw, my name is Yunho. Jung Yunho. Whats urs?</em>
</p><p>Jung Yunho?</p><p>His name was Jung Yunho?</p><p>“Now you are really fucking kidding me,” he said to himself and found himself about to throw his phone away, but he couldn’t. He needed to find an answer now.</p><p>He searched for Yunho’s most recent phone number and decided to give him a call. He hoped for the other to have not to change it yet, but it could have happened. After all, even after getting his number, he has not contacted him…</p><p>Not even once.</p><p>Jaejoong gulped hard, his nervousness becoming bigger as the phone rang. And he was giving in. He was about to simply hang up the phone, change his number again, and delete every single memory he had of him. But just when everything was changing in his head, the leader answered the call.</p><p>“<em>Jaejoong,</em>” he heard the other say and he melted like butter.</p><p>So much time has passed that his ears sometimes, forgot the sound of his voice. And every time that it moved forward, it became richer; almost like chocolate. It resembled red velvet with a hint of wine. It was like the most expensive cognac. But the most important thing is that, after all, it was still him.</p><p>It was still his voice.</p><p>“Hi,” he calmly said, but he was a turmoil inside. He closed his eyes, trying to find the other’s breathing as a way to calm himself down.</p><p>“<em>I don’t even know why I answered,</em>” he said, his tone sounding more serious and sharp as the second went by. “<em>Maybe because I expected your call every single day.</em>” </p><p>“You had every right to call me as well,” answered the vocalist, knowing it was just a bad idea to follow Yunho’s train of thoughts. He knew he was upset; he was as well, but the difference is that he was cold to the people and they usually went away. Yunho wasn’t like him.</p><p>Yunho just said what he thought even if it hurts you and he regretted it minutes later.</p><p>“<em>Just like you had every right to ignore me like you have done all these years,</em>” he sounded so tartar that Jaejoong could taste it in his mouth, while the tears were warning him of its mischievousness. </p><p>“Yunho, please…” he tried, but he knew it was to no avail. He gave Yunho what he wanted; he started the fire and it will continue until one of them breaks…</p><p>And he knew that it was going to be him.</p><p>“<em>You don’t know how bitter I am. You don’t know how much I have been hurting. You just don’t understand how many people have told me to let you go and I just can’t. I have known you for over 18 years, Jaejoong, and I still follow you. I see every achievement, every path you take, your concerts, your interviews, and the only thing that makes me upset is that you left me…</em>” </p><p>
  <em>“And God damned me. He made me love an angel that became my biggest sorrow.”</em>
</p><p>Jaejoong felt the first tear caressing his cheek.</p><p>“It wasn’t easy, but if you think that the only one that suffered was you, be my guest. If that’s what you believe, then so be it. But you will never know how many songs I wrote, the thoughts I had and in the poetry, you lived that I couldn’t write,” was his response, about to terminate the call when the leader told him the words that broke his already pierced heart.</p><p>“<em>Let’s not talk anymore, Jaejoong. Don’t call me, don’t search for me; don’t think of me. We clearly know this won’t be the way it was before and we know that no matter what, our positions will stand. You won’t forgive me and I won’t forgive you. Maybe in a different life, our world will collide. Perhaps in another future, we will meet. It just can’t be in this one,</em>” were his final words before he disconnected the call.</p><p>And Jaejoong started to cry, realizing the biggest mistake of his life.</p><p>20.</p><p>This was their twentieth discussion where they didn’t end in good terms. The only difference was that in the past, they could mend each other. This one, there’s nothing he could do. The memories were still there like a downpour, wetting, and burning him like it was nothing. Like he deserved hell. But maybe he did, he didn’t know.</p><p>He just knew it hurt.</p><p>Jaejoong looked at his cell phone again, the tears blinding his sight. He went to his messages again, reading the last text over and over again. He just talked to him, how he could be this chill? Was he playing with him? He wasn’t a toy. He was a man, a man who loved him with all his might but got nothing in return, just crucified. </p><p>He decided to answer back.</p><p>He wasn’t an ornament, but he was stupid. He was so miserable without him that maybe, just maybe, he was talking to the past. To the past, he so wanted to hold for a couple of years or at least when he gets to the point of not loving him anymore, although he knew that was just impossible…</p><p>He would never stop loving Jung Yunho.</p><p>
  <strong>To: Yun 2002</strong><br/>
<em>My name… is Esrim.</em>
</p><p>He waited for a while, but he knew it would be worth it. He knew this “Yunho” would respond.</p><p>
  <strong>From: Yun 2002</strong><br/>
<em>Esrim? Sounds funny!!! Sorry i dont mean to offend but………… yeah</em>
</p><p>Jaejoong smiled.</p><p>
  <strong>To: Yun 2002</strong><br/>
<em>It’s okay.</em>
</p><p>A while later, he responded back.</p><p>
  <strong>From: Yun 2002</strong><br/>
<em>Its reeeeeally hard to text……. Do u have an email???? And also, we could chat u know…….. Online</em>
</p><p>This time, the vocalist laughed. </p><p>
  <strong>To: Yun 2002</strong><br/>
<em>We definitely can.</em>
</p><p>And they spend the rest of the day trying to text while Jaejoong tried to download something impossible like MSN.</p><p>+++</p><p>The days have passed so quickly to the vocalist’s liking that he thought he was still living in the past. They have been so interesting and full of cliché he was believing there were two parallel worlds. Every single question he asked the other, trying to be careful of not blowing up his cover, was correct. He remembers trainee Yunho like the palm of his hand. He knows everything there is to know about him and it was scary.</p><p>It terrified him to the point of believing he was actually talking to Yunho’s past.</p><p>But that couldn’t be possible. He already talked to him and he knew that there was no way back. They were broken beyond repair and there was nothing he could do. Yes, he wished he could have stopped the separation. Yes, he desired for everything to be a lie, but his mind was messing with himself. He knew he was wrong; he knew that the other person was just fooling with him.</p><p>The worst thing of all is that he loved it. He yearned to be an idiot because that way Yunho could be his.</p><p>In his mind, it was his.</p><p>He knew that the supposedly past Yunho was practicing and he wouldn’t be online until later in the day and that made him curious about that e-mail he sent a while ago…</p><p>Jaejoong was sure that the e-mail the other gave him was that same one he had. But he wasn’t sure. He couldn’t be unless he checked and compared, which he was about to do. With those thoughts in mind, he got his MacBook out along with his cell phone, searching in the long conversation the e-mail address.</p><p>
  <strong>jy1986@msn.kr.com</strong>
</p><p>He copied it in his mind, going to his old mail and trying to find that e-mail address he knew he had…</p><p>And there it was.<br/>
It was the same e-mail!</p><p>“I must be crazy,” he said to himself for the tenth time in the day, having a hard time believing that was actually happening to him. But then, something triggered his mind that a couple of days ago, he sent an e-mail to this very same address.</p><p>“Oh, fuck!” he exclaimed, going to his inbox and he hoped, he swore he hoped to not find anything but there it was. It had bold letters along with a subject he never thought he would read again.</p><p><strong>Subject: Ummm… who is dis?????????</strong><br/>
   <em> U sound so similar to the person texting me!!!!!!!!!!! Is dis a joke? R u following me???? How do u know all my info???????????????????????????? </em></p><p>“I am absolutely not responding to this e-mail,” he said, trashing the message and logging out. His heart pounding rapidly against his chest. He ran his hands over his face, still not believing his mistakes. It needed to be a joke; he wanted all of this to be a joke. But how could it be, when he knew that man with his entire soul? How could it be so similar to his past days, when everything seemed perfect and nonchalant? How could he forget, when all he did was being stuck? </p><p>But then, he saw Yunho connecting on his very old nickname and he giggled. He still remembered the time he changed it and the other didn’t even bother. He thought it was perfect and that lasted for a very good time until texting became more prevalent. He waited for the other to talk to him, like always and smiled again when he saw the pop-out.</p><p>
  <strong>JungJunginitiYunnie</strong><br/>
<em>Well helloooooooo<b></b></em>
</p><p>
  <strong>DontkillBambi</strong><br/>
<em>Hi</em>
</p><p>
  <strong>JungJunginitiYunnie</strong><br/>
<em>Idk how i have this nickname but…. that’s fine</em>
  <b>
    
  </b>
</p><p>
  <strong>DontkillBambi</strong><br/>
<em>Very unique.</em>
</p><p>
  <strong>JungJunginitiYunnie</strong><br/>
<em>But urs i dont understand…. like who is even bambi…</em>
</p><p>
  <strong>DontkillBambi</strong><br/>
<em>One day, you will understand.</em>
</p><p>And that was something he was pretty sure was going to happen sooner than later. After all, it’s his daughter and he even adopted her as a joke, because Yunho stated Bambi ‘needed a mother’. He sighed at the memories, reading the other’s response shortly after.</p><p>
  <strong>JungJunginitiYunnie</strong><br/>
<em>u r so mysterious…….. but, hey did i told u am going to meet new trainees soon?????? </em>
</p><p>
  <strong>DontkillBambi</strong><br/>
<em>No.</em>
</p><p>
  <strong>JungJunginitiYunnie</strong><br/>
<em>yesssss there’s like 2 or 3 coming………… and am really wondering how they will be!!!!!</em>
</p><p>
  <strong>DontkillBambi</strong><br/>
<em>Don’t scare them.</em>
</p><p>
  <strong>JungJunginitiYunnie</strong><br/>
<em>see???? this is why i actually dont say anything!!!!</em>
</p><p>And Jaejoong laughed.</p><p>+++</p><p>Jaejoong was really tired. He loved fan meetings; he could return the love he has received from his fans and let them know that after all, he was a human just like them. It made them closed to his heart and he enjoyed their screams, their singing and just the atmosphere in general. They have given him so much he didn’t know how to restore and give them everything. But he knew that all they wanted was for him to be happy.</p><p>And that’s why he tried his very best to survive. </p><p>He went for a quick shower before turning on the computer, sitting in front of it as he saw a chat immediately coming to live.</p><p>
  <strong>JungJunginitiYunnie</strong><br/>
<em>this may sound reaaaaally odd but……….. i missed u</em>
</p><p>Jaejoong sighed for the tenth time in the day.</p><p>That made him realize that his ultimate happiness was him. No matter how hard he tried to be happy, his fans knew; they weren’t stupid. Some could be fooled, some could not. But most of them knew there was something missing in his life. And the piece was right there, in front of him in the shape of the past.</p><p>But it was still him.</p><p>It was still Jung Yunho.</p><p>
  <strong>DontkillBambi</strong><br/>
<em>I missed you too.</em>
</p><p>
  <strong>JungJunginitiYunnie</strong><br/>
<em>i met the last trainee today. he seems very cold and negative. he doesnt talk often and scares me. but at the same time its weird bcuz i really want to talk to him???? but idk, what if he just doesnt care? and i gotta tell u, it may sound weird but hes handsome to the point hes pretty. bcuz hey, duh, hes not a girl, but he has round lips and sparkling eyes……… k im gonna stop i sound very stupid</em>
</p><p>Jaejoong arched an eyebrow.</p><p>That sounded extremely familiar. He always had a cold persona and could be seemed as negative at some point. Yes, he was a man but if he putted a wig, he could be easily mistaken for a woman. The description trainee Yunho was giving him was basically him.</p><p>Unless…</p><p>The vocalist’s eyes became bigger at the realization. He knew he needed to ask.</p><p>
  <strong>DontkillBambi</strong><br/>
<em>Seems you are interested in him. What’s his name?</em>
</p><p>And when he thought this wouldn’t get weirder than it already was, the response he didn’t want to acknowledge was in front of his eyes. </p><p>
  <strong>JungJunginitiYunnie</strong><br/>
<em>Kim Jaejoong.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <strong>DontkillBambi has disconnected.</strong>
  </em>
</p><p>+++</p><p><br/>
Trainee Yunho sighed to himself. Several days have passed since Esrim hasn’t appeared. He logged in for hours, just waiting for the window to pop out but it was to no avail. Not a single day he came back. He tried texting him as well, but nothing was happening. He thought it was perhaps too strange; even when he was busy he would just let him know. But nowadays not even that…</p><p>He really wanted to know what was occurring.</p><p>He was in a basketball court. He didn’t want to play but his friends insisted. After 10 minutes of him purely making mistakes, his friends let him go. It was his only free day and all he wanted was to talk to the other, but not even that he could. He didn’t know where he was and yes, it frustrated him. It wasn’t like he could go and pick him up; he didn’t even knew his address. He only had so much and he was happy with those.</p><p>He was getting attached. He was beginning to feel certain things he wasn’t supposed to. He was planning to debut and be a successful artist; he couldn’t let his emotions be in the middle of his promising career. And even less with a man. What would people think? What would his parents things? Too many things were at risk but at the end, they were superficial; he actually didn’t care.</p><p>He just wanted him.</p><p>He bit his lips as a sign of frustration, not noticing a new silhouette sitting down beside him, closely looking at him but not enough to make him uncomfortable. He was just there, watching him as if he were a guardian. </p><p>Yunho decided to look at his side and there he was. The strange-looking dude beside him. He was in broken jeans, a shirt that looked too big for his size and scattered hair. Even after looking horrendous, he still saw him kind of cute.</p><p>And that thought slapped him in the face.</p><p>How could he thought that when he was clearly dating someone else? Well, not dating, but he knew the other at least felt something about him.</p><p>It was almost like cheating!</p><p>So Yunho immediately looked away.</p><p>“Are you okay?” were his simple words, but Yunho was too astonished to respond. </p><p>After a few minutes without any reply, the other simply decided to leave him alone. The dancer sighed while looking at the floor, sentences dying in his mind.<br/>
And how he wished the trainee was the one he liked.</p><p>With that thought of mind he head home, turning the computer on just to see if by any coincidence he was there. His eyes lightened up, seeing the chat window pop up but he knew that he was so confused and mad with everything that it was not going to end well.</p><p>
  <strong>DontkillBambi</strong><br/>
<em>I am sorry. I was so busy I forgot to tell you. I don’t know what else to say…</em>
</p><p>
  <strong>JungJunginitiYunnie</strong><br/>
<em>its ok i mean i felt sad and everything but theres nothing u can do……..</em>
</p><p>
  <strong>DontkillBambi</strong><br/>
<em>Let me fix it?</em>
</p><p><strong>JungJunginitiYunnie</strong><br/>
<em>the only way is if i can see ur face……… or have your address……</em>.</p><p>
  <strong>DontkillBambi</strong><br/>
<em>You know that’s not possible.</em>
</p><p>
  <strong>JungJunginitiYunnie</strong><br/>
<em>what r u hiding? why is everything so mysterious? i am that important to you? bcuz it seems that im worthless. we have been for months, u have been flirting w/ me and i dont know what u even feel. do u think this is fair?</em>
</p><p>
  <strong>DontkillBambi</strong><br/>
<em>No, but how come telling you how I feel will change all of this? You are the mere past….</em>
</p><p>
  <strong>JungJunginitiYunnie</strong><br/>
<em>i can be ur present and future if you just allowed me!!!! But u r selfish enough to hide behind the screen. u are so cold and uninterested i dont even know why i bothered. i should have not replied to those texts………. it would have been better</em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <strong>JungJunginitiYunnie has disconnected.</strong>
  </em>
</p><p>Yunho turned off the screen, immediately dropping himself on the bed. He grabbed his phone and went to his contact, determined to delete that stupid and good-for-nothing number, but then a text appeared that seemingly to appease his worries for a bit.</p><p>
  <strong>From: 98371839123</strong><br/>
<em>I don’t know why I am so worried about you when we don’t even talk.</em>
</p><p>It sounded so similar to Esrim it made him shiver.</p><p>
  <em>
    <strong>To: 98371839123</strong>
  </em><br/>
<em>who r u?</em>
</p><p>And a reply came immediately after.</p><p>
  <strong>From: 98371839123</strong><br/>
<em>Kim Jaejoong</em>
</p><p>
  <strong>To: 98371839123</strong><br/>
<em>how come u know my number?</em>
</p><p>
  <strong>From: 98371839123</strong><br/>
<em>We exchanged numbers. I suppose you did not care and did not save it. But it’s okay. I just wondered if… you were okay.</em>
</p><p>Yunho smiled, saving the number as fast as lighting, giggling at the new nickname he just invented for the other.</p><p>
  <strong>To: KimmyJayJay</strong><br/>
<em>yes…… thanks to u</em>
</p><p>He doesn’t even know why he said that. Not only was difficult to write on this phone, but he was being flirty with a person that didn’t deserve it. Although he knew the other was only approaching him as a friend, he was going beyond that. He was being an idiotic and horny adolescent, being mad at his ‘online boyfriend’. They weren’t even that, but he considered Esrim like that.</p><p>But the text was already sent.</p><p>There was no going back.</p><p>
  <strong>From: KimmyJayJay</strong><br/>
<em>I didn’t do anything but thanks…</em>
</p><p>He smiled and replied back, ignoring completely the other that has occupied his mind for the next past days.</p><p>And like that, trainees Yunho and Jaejoong became best friends, but the dancer was confused. The way Jaejoong expressed himself was too similar to Esrim. Yes, he still talked to the later and yes, he declared his love for the other even though he hasn’t responded back, he told him he was interested in moving forward, which kept him sane. However, he knew everything was becoming blurry and indecisive, knowing it came from his own self.</p><p>He was having feelings for Jaejoong as well.</p><p>It was complicated to explain… He may be confusing friendship with love, but it didn’t help that both of them were almost identical. The way they expressed themselves, the way they answered to his questions, the way he felt secured and loved with every single word that came from them. Jaejoong smiled like the world was his and Esrim was so peaceful that even in his hardest days, he knew everything would be okay. </p><p>And it wasn’t helping him at all. </p><p>“You seem troubled,” he heard the oldest ask. He gave him a faint smile, looking at the horizon. </p><p>“Sorry,” was his answer. There was nothing else he could say but that. He thought he was just making the other feel miserable, but he knew the other would be fine. After all, he was strong.</p><p>He was stronger than he was and that made him beautiful.</p><p>“Wanna dance?” Jaejoong asked the other, knowing that could cheer him up. Yunho simply nodded, waiting for the other to play the music and as soon as it came, his body started to move on his own. The eldest smiled, looking at every inch of his movements while his heart died a bit inside.</p><p>Because ever since he saw him, he fell in love with him. But he wasn’t his.</p><p>Yunho was in love with someone else.</p><p>+++</p><p>And as days came by, the trainee kept talking with the unknown. He was still conflicted and Jaejoong noticed it. He knew he was falling in love with his past self and he didn’t worry about it. After all, it was still him in a way, but the unkindly personalities was driving the youngest crazy.</p><p>There was no way of avoiding it and he knew it.</p><p>If he was him, he would be crazier than he already was.</p><p>Jaejoong still couldn’t comprehend that he was talking to the past, imagine the other if he knew…</p><p>If he only knew.</p><p>Jaejoong sighed to himself while he saw the conversation blinking orange.</p><p>
  <strong>JungJunginitiYunnie</strong><br/>
<em>Hey…… can i ask u a ?</em>
</p><p>
  <strong>DontkillBambi</strong><br/>
<em>Sure</em>
</p><p>
  <strong>JungJunginitiYunnie</strong><br/>
<em>what would u think if ur bff and lover……. i mean i know u dont have a lover but…… just imagine you have one????? maybe me????</em>
</p><p>Jaejoong laughed to himself.</p><p>“It’s you,” he said to himself, a sad smile covering his face. “It has always been you…”</p><p>
  <strong>JungJunginitiYunnie</strong><br/>
<em>are completely equal????? like everything they say their responses their personalities…… it’s just too similar….. and i do know that when we find someone we like, we tend to go to people that are alike, but it’s too much in my opinion……………. Idk how to explain it</em>
</p><p>
  <strong>DontkillBambi</strong><br/>
<em>So, you are saying that the one you love and your best friend have the same persona?</em>
</p><p>
  <strong>JungJunginitiYunnie</strong><br/>
<em>Yes</em>
</p><p>Jaejoong was panicking. He really was. He was thinking how he should react to this. He knew they were the same person. He wasn’t stupid, but trainee Yunho wouldn’t believe him. Who would? Sometimes, he really thinks he’s crazy by having these conversations, but he knew it was real. It felt too real and the pain was still there.</p><p>He still didn’t have Yunho.</p><p>He sighed, not sure what to say. He did not want to burst his bubble and he just knew telling the truth was way worse. He thought of disconnecting; it was his way of reveling. Everytime he wanted to avoid the trainee, he simply turned off the computer. But of course, he was fooling himself; the other knew quite well he was doing it on purpose. The younger was not stupid.</p><p>He was too perfect.</p><p>
  <strong>JungJunginitiYunnie</strong><br/>
<em>sometimes i have the thought they are the same person………. but thats not possible right? im talking to u right now and hes somewhere else……. Even when i talk to u, i talk to him sometimes. its not possible….. its just not…..</em>
</p><p>Future Jaejoong bit his lips. He was so close, he was at the verge of just closing everything and leaving, but he couldn’t. The other needed to be heard and he was there for that, even if it was for a mere seconds.</p><p>After all, maybe he failed at that. Perhaps, he failed at listening to him when Yunho needed him the most. Maybe, he was too blinded by rage. Perhaps, he was just so lost in pain he couldn’t hear his heartbeat. Maybe, too many things needed to happen but none appeared.</p><p>He had too many ifs and Yunho was his biggest one.</p><p>
  <em>
    <strong>JungJunginitiYunnie has disconnected.</strong>
  </em>
</p><p>And Jaejoong breathe.</p><p>But that certain respire was his biggest mistake as he thought everything should be back to normal after the one-sided conversation.</p><p>Like always, he was wrong.</p><p>A couple of hours later, Yunho woke up drenched in sweat, tears caressing his cheeks. He immediately went to a nearby mirror and looked himself for quite a while. The only thing that changed from that nightmare was his face. He looked tired in the dream, he looked devastated. Heck, he even looked like he wanted to die, something he has never thought not even once. But he knew it was just that, a mere bad dream.</p><p>“It needs to be just that…” he told to himself, biting his lips while talking to the mirror. “But why does it bother me that much?” </p><p>However, seconds later, he heard his door being knocked. He turned on the sink and quickly washed his face, drying it just for a bit and went to open it, only finding the person he has been avoiding the most.</p><p>Kim Jaejoong.</p><p>“Are you okay?” the oldest asked, his emotionless face being the first thing he saw. He knew the trainee tried his best to be kind to everyone even though he seemed so uninterested. But after talking with him a couple of times, he knew he was the most kind-hearted person he has ever met.</p><p>He was just avoiding him for the comparison he and his lover had.</p><p>They were so uncannily similar that it destroyed him.</p><p>After the first confession happened, he has begged the other to meet so many times and the answer has always been the same every time. He yearned for his affection and he doesn’t even know how he even fell in love with him. He has not even seen a picture of him. The other seemed out of this world at times and there were so many situations that he wanted to give up, but he couldn’t. He just loved him so much.</p><p>And seeing Kim Jaejoong in a regular basis was not helping him.</p><p>Because he wanted him to be his online lover. He really wanted to believe that this angel in front of him was the one he talked online every single day. He wanted this Epiphone of beauty to be his and he felt like he was cheating at times. He wanted to combine both into one to realize his fantasy, but he knew that was impossible.</p><p>They couldn't be the same person.</p><p>“Yes,” was his mere answer while Jaejoong dangerously closed the gap between them, placing his hand over his head.</p><p>“You don’t have fever,” was what he said, lowering his hand down and Yunho almost sighed in relief.</p><p>He was dangerous.</p><p>“I’ll leave, then,” he said and was about to turn around when Yunho grabbed his hand, turning him around. He saw a faint blush in Jaejoong’s cheeks, but ignored them. He had to; he couldn’t cheat on his lover no matter how tempting and handsome the guy looked.</p><p>But only for today, he wanted him to stay.</p><p>“Stay,” he asked, trying to remember how silky and soft the eldest hand felt in his.</p><p>“Okay,” the other said without hesitation, a faint smile covering his cold-facade, making the youngest die a little inside.</p><p>God, help me. I am in love with Esrim and liking Jaejoong at the same time. But their attitude is so similar, the way I think Esrim is just identical to Jaejoong. Am I confusing myself or what am I doing? Just give me a signal…</p><p>And it came. </p><p>He saw the pop-out in his computer screen.</p><p>Yunho immediately sat down, watching Jaejoong leave for the bathroom for a bit. </p><p>
  <strong>DontkillBambi</strong><br/>
<em>I saw you connected but you didn’t write me… So, here I am, asking for your attention.</em>
</p><p>
  <strong>JungJunginitiYunnie</strong><br/>
<em>dats funny… its always me that asks…. but i am concerned….</em>
</p><p>
  <strong>DontkillBambi</strong><br/>
<em>Why?</em>
</p><p>
  <strong>JungJunginitiYunnie</strong><br/>
<em>I had a dream were i debuted with one of the trainees i talked to u about… and i also debuted with other 3 more guys, one of them i still haven’t met yet so thats weird…… but we were separating. there was a big fight and three of them, including the one i havent met yet, left the group and i stayed with the other one……. it was very hard for me….. and i know i should just consider it a bad dream…. but its bugging me a lot. why will i debut then? if this indeed happens, how i will be happy?</em>
</p><p>
  <strong>JungJunginitiYunnie</strong><br/>
<em>and also im going to lose him. how am i supposed to live without him?</em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <strong>DontkillBambi has disconnected.</strong>
  </em>
</p><p>Yunho sighed. Maybe he was having a bad connection; something that happened frequently. But it was only him fooling himself. He knew he was doing it on purpose; every time he asked a question that the elder did not want to answer, he disconnected. He has been doing it for a while and although he admits that at first glance, it did seem like an Internet problem, it wasn’t.</p><p>He was just avoiding everything.</p><p>Yunho messed up his hair in frustration, his eyes at the verge of tears when he saw Jaejoong coming out from the bathroom and him sitting on his bed, his face focused on the floor. The youngest saw his last sent message and sighed to himself, knowing he was stupid for sending that out but he couldn’t do anything about it.</p><p>He didn’t want to lose Jaejoong nor he wanted to lose his online lover.</p><p>+++</p><p>Jaejoong was a crying mess. How could that happened? Why did trainee Yunho dreamt of that? He was way back in the past. That was something that shouldn’t have even happened! It was impossible and he did not want to admit it. He was willing to hide it until the end.</p><p>“I’m not losing you again,” he said to himself, his pillow the only witness of his tears. “I can’t go through that twice…” </p><p>Was he being selfish?</p><p>Yes he was. He was very self-centered and he wasn’t going to deny it. Even when he left, he did it for his own sake. He sacrificed his happiness for a bigger happiness, but at the end he thought it wasn’t worth it. No matter how much he worked from the ashes, the flames went after him. He missed him…</p><p>Yunho was his long lost love.</p><p>And he was well-aware that he was living a lie. After all, the past would always be in the past. There’s nothing he can do to avoid that. Yunho trainee will fall in love with trainee Jaejoong, they will spend magnificent times together, but at the end, it will be the same fate.</p><p>The end.</p><p>It would always be the end.</p><p>And as days passed, the same question from the other came every time he signed in:</p><p>
  <strong>JungJunginitiYunnie</strong><br/>
<em>U are him arent u……….. U are not telling me…… u are not answering……. U are not doing anything……….. How am i supposed to move on…….</em>
</p><p>But he had no courage to say anything. He evaded the question and tried to be cheerful while the roles reversed. Trainee Yunho was the one disconnecting when he saw no clear response from him.</p><p>Jaejoong sighed as he held back the tears.</p><p>It wasn’t working…</p><p>Days became weeks, the insisting increasing from Yunho’s part, but he never wavered. The elder simply let it go, ignoring every feeling on his fragmented body. While all the youngest had was his loneliness.</p><p>Trainee Yunho disconnected his computer. For the past 20 days, he has said the same sentence to the other. It was only once a day, but he was persistent. He wanted to know the truth and the eldest was hiding it from him. He was not yielding and it devastated him.</p><p>How was he supposed to concentrate in his training, when all he could think was of his love?</p><p>Heck, he couldn’t even see Jaejoong without the pain following him. </p><p>He was more than sure that they were the same person. Nothing would convince him of something else. It just made sense in his head. However, Yunho knew that if he told someone, they would just judge him, telling him he’s crazy and that he is making up stories.</p><p>Yeah, because he had so much time to create a Korean drama like this one in his head…</p><p>Suddenly, his eyelids became heavier and heavier and time passed. He knew that he had no strength to fight against it. His soul, his body and his mind were tired.</p><p>He grabbed his pillow, his head on top of it and his eyes closing on their own, the same words he has told his online lover repeating again and again until all he saw was black.</p><p>
  <em>Future Yunho was his house, or what he could have called his house in the past. It was so dirty sometimes he couldn’t even look at the furniture, but he didn’t care. Those were trivial matters to him and not even the disgusting odor would make him come back to his senses.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>He lost everything.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>The whiskey bottle was being embraced by his mutilated hands. He has punched the chairs, tables and walls so many times he has forgotten to count. They hurt, they hurt a lot but nothing was compared to what he felt. His suffering was composed of so many things at once that he didn’t knew which one broke him the most.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Actually, he knew; he just didn’t want to admit it.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>He loved to perform. He loved to sing and rap. He fought hard against his own circumstances to become an idol. He respected every rule, he followed without second thoughts and he took care of his members. He did his best as a leader, he let them talk in the interviews, he gave a lot of opportunities to the others and he was flexible at times, knowing they were tired. He listened to them, he gave them his shoulder and was scolded several times for being easy on them.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>He got the punishments when one of them failed to appear. He got the screams when one of them was sick and couldn’t get up from their beds. He swallowed his pride when upper management told him he was not a good leader and he held back his tears when they treated him as low as garbage, but he withheld all of it. It made him stronger and it made them powerful. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>That’s why they were so loved among idols and that’s why they were the best second generation group out of all of them.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>And it shattered him. It broke him to know they left after all they have gone through.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>But even after that, nothing demolished him like seeing Jaejoong leave.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Nothing snapped him like seeing the eldest turning his back on him, his steps becoming prominent against the floor until he didn’t hear them anymore. Nothing broke him enough till he went to his apartment, the one he shared with him and saw not even a single rose petal on his couch. It was empty…</em>
</p><p>
  <em>As deserted as his soul.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Yunho felt the tears appearing again. He could not stop them. It was the only way for him to abide his pain. He sighed again, his eyes wandering around and they suddenly stopped at the piano on the far back.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>He bitterly smiled.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>The black piano was his property, but Jaejoong was the one that always used it. He was good, but not as good as the elder. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>They complemented each other, but he guessed it was never enough.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>After all, Jaejoong left him anyway.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>He stood up, the whiskey bottle falling from his arms. Everything was blurry and spinning around him, but he was going to reach it. Even if he fell several times, he was determined to sit down in front of the piano and touch it.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Because it was the only memory he had of him. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>When he arrived, he briefly went through the keys. His stiff and drunk body was not cooperating, but he would make it happen. The first keys were really off, but as he kept practicing and working his way around them, he found what he needed. He tried countless times, but he was not giving up.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>He needed to say goodbye.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>And he started to sing, tears falling from his eyes once again as the melody started</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Have we become too far?<br/>
We promised with our hands clasped<br/>
Our whispers on that day<br/>
Now I can still see, even when I close my eyes<br/>
The place we wandered together <br/>
The warm light from the sky afar<br/>
When you stayed by my side<br/>
My smile never faded, bright as the sunshine<br/>
That endless smile and your breath in my arms<br/>
The wind will carry them<br/>
Now I know the promise we made together<br/>
Someday when we meet again <br/>
That’s when we’ll know<br/>
I still have stories<br/>
I dream of the day you return</em>
</p><p>
  <em>And he stopped, his sobs becoming more heartbreaking as the time passed.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“This the 20th and last time I am going to ask for your forgiveness, Jaejoong. I am sorry, but I wanted to move forward. I am sorry to have cut you off, but like you protected our love while we were together, I wanted to protect ours while separated. I know we can’t be together, but I have been wishing ever since you left. And that desire has brought me company ever since I restarted. It has been close to my heart and there’s nothing more I want but you.”</em>
</p><p>And Yunho trainee gasped, waking up from his nightmare while he bawled his feelings out.</p><p>It was true.</p><p>Esrim was Jaejoong and it was deemed to fail.</p><p>They were not destined to be together.</p><p>+++</p><p>More days passed and trainee Yunho knew it was ending. Even though his online lover has not told him the truth, it was there. He couldn’t see it more clearly that it already was. He didn’t need any confirmation.</p><p>But it was unfair for Jaejoong.</p><p>He was avoiding him like plague. Every time he saw him coming, he flew away. He just couldn’t stand seeing him. He was already in love with him and they were deemed to fall. How could he continue talking to him knowing that? How could he be friends when he was supposed to call him lover later and then lose him again? </p><p>He lost him twice. He could not stand another one.</p><p>The youngest trainee sighed, deciding to turn on his computer. He didn’t recall the last time he logged in, but he was doing it with only one purpose. </p><p>He was going to delete everything.</p><p>He was erasing every single memory, every single statement and every single piece that would remind him of his love. He would change his phone number, he would replace his text messages and he would start over.</p><p>He needed to.</p><p>And that was a promise to heaven.</p><p>The younger trainee sighed, beginning his vow without hesitation. He spent over an hour doing everything, but it was done. There was no way of recuperating it or so he thought. He knew that if he wanted, someone could, but he preferred the obliviousness. He didn’t want to turn back; there was too much pain involved.</p><p>He only had one thing left from his computer…</p><p>His emails.</p><p>So he went in, decided to get done with it when he saw an unread message.</p><p>Yunho gulped hard.</p><p>It was from him.</p><p>He hesitated for a couple of minutes. He didn’t have the strength to open it, but he knew if he deleted it without seeing it, he would regret it all his life. After all, maybe this would help him to move on. And then, another question popped out: what if not? What if this made him regret deleting everything? He was confused and he was hurt. He was a mess.</p><p>Why he was appearing all of the sudden, when he was decided to let him go?</p><p>But his heart was always in the middle. His heart was stupid and his reason had no posture to hold him back. He clicked on the email, reading it immediately after.</p><p>
  <strong>To: jy1986@msn.kr.com</strong><br/>
<span class="u">Subject: I am sorry…</span>
</p><p>
  <em>These past weeks have been a turmoil for me. You don’t know how hard it has been to lose you again, but I don’t have the energy neither the force to tell you in the chat. I have been wondering if I should call you, but I guess that won’t work either. Hearing your voice would be like knives going through my body and I wouldn’t be able to take it. I’ll try to be short, but explanatory. You need this even if it’s hard to believe.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>I know you met Kim Jaejoong. You didn’t want to tell me his name, but everything you talk about is about the emotionless and cold-faced trainee. And you know who he is? He is me. Yes, as hard as it is, Kim Jaejoong is me. His nickname before debuting will be Youngwoong Jaejoong. He was born in January 26, 1986. He has 7 sisters. He was adopted and given another chance at life. He was deaf first, but worked hard to change his voice. He wasn’t born with a great talent, but decided to have one. He was created and he was what people called perfect; but he’s far from it. He’s the one you love, because you love me. You thought it was cheating, but you never did; the difference lays because he’s your present and I’m your future, while you are my past.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>We are the same person, but at least in the past you will make me happy. In the future, you won’t. But that’s something I need to handle. Nothing will change, because the past already passed and the future is right now. But trust me that it was difficult to come to this conclusion. It was hard for me to admit that I fell in love with you harder than before, because it has always been you. Ever since I, Kim Jaejoong, met you, I have never loved someone like I love you. No matter what they say, no matter how crazy they think I am for following each one of your steps, my heart belongs to you. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>I have always been there, admiring you from afar. When you ignored me for days, I tried my best to reach at you until you noticed me. You became my best friend and then in the later years you became my everything. It was hard to hide it, but we did it. It was okay for both of us because our members were there, letting us know love came in many forms and ours was simply special. It has always been that way and it will always be.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>You don’t love me anymore in the future, but that’s okay. Let me have that pain.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>But please, please love me. Love Kim Jaejoong in your present. He needs it.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>The future Kim Jaejoong will always protect that love and enclose it in his heart like a crystal box.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Because after all, I can’t live without it. Your love is my force and the reason why I am still standing, even if you don’t love me.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>This the 20th and last time I’ll confess my love for you. Yes, the 20th, because not even once i told you that I loved you. I kept it all to myself to protect everything we had. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>I love you, past Yunho. I love you, present Yunho and I love you, future Yunho. I love and I will always love every single phase of you.<br/>
Connect the dots and you will find your answer.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>This is not a farewell, because you’ll meet me soon.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Kim Jaejoong.</em>
</p><p>Trainee Yunho felt his tears falling down and caressing his cheeks. They were only demonstrating him how weak he was…</p><p>He was devastated. </p><p>Was he reading correctly or was it a joke? Even though he suspected it and was almost a hundred percent sure they were the same person, this hit him worse than he thought. It made even more sense know that future Jaejoong admitted it to him than in the past and he didn’t know how to handle it.</p><p>His mind began to rapidly act; he tried to connect the pieces between his lover and Jaejoong and yes, the similarity was killing him ever since the beginning. The way they talked, the way they projected themselves, the way they responded to his jokes, the way they protected him was equal. However, back then, he couldn't believe it. There was no way in Earth they would be the same person. He has seen Jaejoong in his room while talking to his lover.</p><p>And it’s impossible to talk to the future! There was nothing that could prove something like that existed. However, there was no other reason for the other to know Jaejoong’s name when not even once he mentioned him and less, talked to him! He even knew things he didn’t knew himself to this day. More questions appeared after his train of thought: How could that happen? How could that be even possible?</p><p>He saw Jaejoong entering his room once again, giving him a half-smile while sitting beside him. He was sure that either his sobs or his sixth-sense made him come. After all, he had been avoiding him since forever.</p><p>Their eyes locked together for the first time in a while and the eldest proceeded to talk.</p><p>“Something is troubling you,” he said all of the sudden. Yunho didn’t have time to react, he was just there, admiring him and for a little bit, forgetting his troubled thoughts.</p><p>“How could you react if someone tells you everything you thought you knew about another person, stating he’s from the future?” he said, watching Jaejoong arching an eyebrow.</p><p>“I would say that they are very crazy,” was his immediate response, but opened his eyes in disbelief when he heard Yunho’s words.</p><p>“You are adopted?” he asked in the most casual way possible. He wanted to know if, indeed, that fact his lover told him was right. He was having problems accepting it. The other nailed every single thing and if it was the truth, there was no other way for him but to believe him.</p><p>He had to.</p><p>“Yes,” he said without hesitation, his tears covering his black orbs. “Who told you?”</p><p>Yunho smiled, taking Jaejoong’s hands into his. “A future you,” he said it as a joke, but he was stating the truth as well.</p><p>He indeed fell in love with both present and future Jaejoong. Something he never thought was possible. </p><p>“Don’t be stu---” said Jaejoong, but he was cut with a kiss from the youngest.</p><p>After the kiss, he was sure Jaejoong was going to slap him. After all, it was his first kiss. But he didn’t regret a bit; he would do it again and again. It felt surreal that the truth was in his face this whole time but he just didn’t believe it. When he imagined his lover as Jaejoong, it because it has always been Jaejoong. It never changed and it never will.</p><p>His love was in the shape of Kim Jaejoong.</p><p>However, Jaejoong didn’t kick him or anything, he just laughed, the redness covering his pale cheeks. The youngest thought it was going to be awkward, not even that happened. They just hugged for a couple of minutes and then the eldest left, assuring him that he will be back tomorrow, but he came earlier than usual.</p><p>He just remembers falling asleep and waking up shortly after screaming, having the same dream he had a couple of hours ago.</p><p>The trainee came running to his door, opening it without any announcement and grabbing his hand, caressing it along the way. Yunho was sweating bullets, his tears covering his entire face. The dream was vivid and full of pain; he could still remember the words he saw after composing that anguished love song.</p><p>And he told the same words to Jaejoong.</p><p>The eldest swallowed, trying to maintain a poker face while hearing his pleads, but a question roaming around his mind.</p><p>“Is that what you dreamt about?” he asked as calm as possible. “That we are going to part ways?” </p><p>Yunho nodded and he was immediately embraced by the other. He let out a sigh, knowing that those dreams were glimpse of the future that happened already and it broke his heart. </p><p>That’s why Jaejoong sent him those messages. That’s why they came to be one again; he was suffering just like him. Both his future and Jaejoong’s future were in despair, trying to get a hold of each other, but they were too far. He doesn’t know why they are connected again, but that only led him to a conclusion.</p><p>They were not supposed to be apart. They were, indeed, supposed to be together.</p><p>And that made him have faith again.</p><p>However, what could have possible happen that neither future Jaejoong nor his future self were together? It was something he couldn’t even imagine. Heck, he was still not believing all he saw and read with his own eyes. He was still a teenager trying to be an idol and it was too much for him to bear. He really wanted to hide and to forget all of this, but he couldn’t.</p><p>It was happening.</p><p>“I cannot assure that it’s not going to happen but I will protect this. I’ll protect us,” were his words and the youngest smiled.</p><p>Typical Jaejoong.</p><p>A few minutes later he assured the other he was going to be fine. The trainee was not convinced by his words, but he knew the younger was tired so he would leave under the condition to go to his room if he needed it.</p><p>After he saw his eternal love far from him, he proceeded to enter his mail, reading the letter again and again while connecting it to his dream. But he was only desolate. He knew there was nothing he could do. He didn’t know what happened, he was in Jaejoong’s past which was his present and the only thing he could do was to love him with all his heart. And it was not because future Jaejoong asked, but because he actually loved his trainee. He may be a teenager, but he was sure he knew what love really was.</p><p>And it was in the shape of the phases of Kim Jaejoong.</p><p>Nothing could make him think otherwise.</p><p>But based on his inexperience, he decided to write back.</p><p>He needed a reassurance that, after all, they would find each other. He was willing to go through all that pain if that meant that at the end, they would be together again. And even if it didn’t happen, he wanted to be proud of himself for at least trying. He knew they still loved each other and a love like that shouldn’t go to waste, it should be for the entire world to know.</p><p>With that thought in mind, he began to write.</p><p>
  <strong>From:jy1986@msn.kr.com<br/>
To:kjj0126@msn.kr.com</strong><br/>
<span class="u">Subject: try it</span>
</p><p> <em>   I know i am pretty much still a teenager right? And i still cant believe i am with jaejoong’s past and talking with the future but life is complicated. I did try to deny it for a couple of days, but everything you say is so true theres no way for me to say otherwise. </em></p><p>
  <em>But i am writing you to let you know that i love you. I love your future and my present.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>I had another dream where i apologized to you for the 20th and last time for letting you go. I was telling u that i wanted to protect our love just like you protected ours while we were together. This is past Yunho, dis is not the yunho you know right now. But theres no one who knows me better than u right? You said it urself. And even though i might change myself and i wont be able to know because i havent go there yet…</em>
</p><p>
  <em>But if i were you, go to my door find my apartment idk and kiss me. Make me remember why i chose u in the first place. make my heart thrill with the memories we shared together. make every inch of my soul flatter in your touch. caress me, hug me, tell me every single thing you wanted to say and say for the 20th and last time that u love me.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>I might regret u again i might say this is not what i want, but kiss me again and again and again until i fall. the only way to recover myself is if i collapse in ur arms theres no other way i know theres the light……. Please save me.</em>
</p><p>And he hit sent.</p><p>+++</p><p>Jaejoong was tired. He was very and simply exhausted. Sometimes, he even wondered how he was still breathing. His life in general has been hard and sure, he did have moment where everything was peaches and cream and those points in time heavily increased when he left his company, but his heart was always empty. It came with a hefty weight.</p><p>He lost Yunho.</p><p>Future Jaejoong closed his eyes, a very familiar tune coming to his head and he bitterly smiled. He had that song written, he composed it with a piano behind his broken words, but he never sang it to anyone. He didn’t have the resiliency. It reminded him too much of his long lost dreams.</p><p>However, he felt like singing it, so he began.</p><p>
  <em>My breath seemed to stop the first time I saw you<br/>
I couldn’t say anything <br/>
Ever since then, I’ve been living for you <br/>
And now, I feel like I've been born again <br/>
Can’t you stop for now? I'll give you my heart<br/>
I'll kiss you, I’ll kiss your lips and hold onto you, baby <br/>
I will not break anymore<br/>
But in exchange, no more promises to me <br/>
I can’t change you<br/>
But no matter what happens<br/>
I will not forget your last promise <br/>
One day, there won’t be more parting <br/>
And I will be born again to will find you<br/>
Because even though I was dead <br/>
I've been living for you </em>
</p><p>He sighed, feeling the tears getting the best of him, but it was done. That song was his solace. It made him feel alive.</p><p>Barely alive, but still alive.<br/>
A few seconds later, he stood up and went to his computer. He sighed for the tenth time in the day, his arms and legs crossed. It has been a couple of weeks since he last talked with his favorite trainee. He decided to simply let it go. It was better that way. There was nothing he could do about but for the other to actually believe him. He could only hope from now on. There was no point in going back.</p><p>The past should stay as the past.</p><p>He wasn’t supposed to fix it.</p><p>But he wanted it. He was a masochist and he wanted to turn on the computer, let the trainee know it was all a mistake and he was just someone else. He was so tempted that there were a couple of times when he almost did it, but he regretted it as soon as opened his computer. He knew it wasn’t meant to be.</p><p>They weren’t meant to be and that simple thought broke his already broken heart.</p><p>Jaejoong decided to go for it. He made the decision of just turning it on and check his email in case he responded but it was with one condition in mind…</p><p>He was closing it.</p><p>He was shutting down the e-mail and he would delete that phone number. This was going to be the last time he ever read anything again and he will continue with his life without him; like he has done all this time. </p><p>It didn’t take a lot for the computer to load everything and then he straight went to his email, seeing a particular subject from his favorite trainee. </p><p>He took a deep breathe while closing his eyes. He hesitated for a couple of minutes. He was really wondering if he should open that mail without hurting. But then, if he ignored it he would break his own oath because he was pretty sure he would just come back to falter and it would become a never-ending cycle.</p><p>
  <span class="u">Subject: try it</span>
</p><p>And he opened it.</p><p>By the end of the letter, he was an ocean of tears.</p><p>How could a teenager open his eyes in a way no one could after all these years? He was right. He was so right it hurt him to have wasted seasons without any reason. It was so simple yet so difficult at the same time. He had so many doubts about it, but trainee Yunho was correct. No one knew Yunho like him or even the trainee himself since it was technically him.</p><p>It could work.</p><p>It had to work.</p><p>So he decided to not respond and close everything before leaving the house.</p><p>He knew exactly were Yunho’s apartment was.</p><p>But this would be the 20th and last time he would follow Yunho’s steps. If he failed, then it was done.</p><p>He had to let him go.</p><p>+++</p><p>After a good 30 minutes’ drive, he parked his car in an unknown place since he was pretty sure his fans always followed him everywhere and they couldn’t mess this up. He was very careful, not hiding himself because that would make him appear more visible and suspicious, but enough to make him oblivious to a lot of people. He passed through security flawlessly; not giving a lot of explanation to him but just enough to clarify why he was there.</p><p>He walked towards the elevator, his mind in a blank state. He was trying hard to not think. He knew if he thought sufficiently he would turn back and leave. In these kind of situations, he considered himself a coward and he was not far from it. But he needed to do it. He wanted to do it, so he was blocking any kind of thoughts that wanted to hassle with him.</p><p>When the doors opened, he sprinted towards the familiar door. Yes, he has never knocked but he knew it by heart. He knew the apartment complex like the palm of his hand and he knew his number like a tattoo on his soul. He seemed like a stalker and that he couldn’t deny, but he never bothered him. He thought with just knowing it was enough.</p><p>And it was.</p><p>It really was until day.</p><p>Jaejoong took a deep breath to then let it out, ringing the bell a few times while he waited for an answer. He was sure Yunho would see him through the camera but he didn’t know if he actually would open the door. Heck, he didn’t even know if he was there or not. He was just doing it out of instinct than anything. But he was hoping; he really had faith that he would respond his call.</p><p>He was dying inside. It was like rose petals falling after not being watered. It was like snow melting when there’s a hot day in the middle. It was like summer embracing fall; it was all the feelings he couldn’t say out loud, but they were there; loud and clear.</p><p>And then he saw it.</p><p>“What are you---” he didn’t need any words from Yunho. He just went inside, closed the door behind him to assure no one would see it. He didn’t want to cause a scene. He just wanted him.</p><p>He just needed him.</p><p>He grabbed Yunho’s neck and he kissed him. Fiercely, full of lust while the tears begun to fall from his eyes, them being more noticeable and his knees weakening when his other half placed his hands on his hips, deepening the kiss while the passion consumed the night, the only witness of that love being the moon dancing around the stars.</p><p>After the night passed, Jaejoong woke beside him. He smiled, kissing his forehead before leaving the bed. It was a nocturnal romance, but it was also fulfilled by sorrow. In their situation, the storm became before the calm, but at least everything was settled up. It took more kissed and a few more punches, but he made it happen.</p><p>It did work.</p><p>He went to the bathroom, closing the door behind him with his cell phone in hand. He washed his face and went to his e-mail. He didn’t expect to have anything and he wasn’t disappointed to find out that his suspicions were truth. He will just write a small message to the other and he knew that when he sees it, he will respond and that will be it.</p><p>They would be together past, present and future.</p><p>
  <strong>From:kjj0126@msn.kr.com<br/>
To:jy1986@msn.kr.com</strong><br/>
<span class="u">Subject: Life</span>
</p><p>
  <em>I don’t know how to thank you for this. But I mean, how could I? It’s still you. It has always been you and it will forever be you. No matter how much decades have passed, no matter how many seasons go by. It’s you. All I wanted was you and I got it.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>I saved you.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>So, please keep loving me until this point and perhaps, as far as the end of my days. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Love Jaejoong.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>I love you, Yunho.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Kim Jaejoong</em>
</p><p>And he hit sent.</p><p>He heard the door being opened and two pairs of arms embracing his waist, positioning his head on top of his shoulder.</p><p>“Why are you smiling so much?”  He said in his sleepy but sexy voice. The eldest smiled widely, looking at the mirror in front of him.</p><p>“Because I have your past and future,” he simply answered, placing his hands on top of his.</p><p>“You always had it,” he replied, giving him a kiss in the neck. “And you will always have it.”<br/>
Jaejoong turned around and smiled to him, receiving a peck in his forehead followed by a hug. He felt the tears coming back but they didn’t mattered to him.</p><p>It all belonged to him.</p><p>At the same time, trainee Yunho read his e-mail and almost cried. This gave him the reassurance that yes, he will suffer and yes, a lot of things will happen but at the end, they will be together like it should be. His pain would become flowers when seasons come by.</p><p>“Hey,” he heard a voice calling for him. Clearly knowing who it was, he stood up from his computer after hitting sent and powering off the monitor.</p><p>“Yes?”  He replied, following the voice that whispered love to his ears.</p><p>“Are you ready?” the eldest said, giving him a big and beautiful smile.</p><p>“Always,” was his response followed by a peck on the lips. Yunho then laughed when Jaejoong blushed, turning around as fast as he could.</p><p>“You’ll always be my past and future, right?” </p><p>“Esrim,” was Jaejoong’s answer while he grabbed his hand but Yunho was dumbfounded by his answer.</p><p>What did that meant? Wait…</p><p>Wasn’t that the first name Jaejoong gave him while trying to hide his identity?</p><p>It couldn’t be...</p><p>The eldest laughed when he looked at his face and decided to answer his question.</p><p>“Esrim means 20 in Hebrew. It’s the eternal number for lovers. They say if you say 20 times sometimes, it will become true, so if you say ‘I love you’ 20 times and your lover answers back, you are destined to be forever,” he finished his explanation and was surprised by another kiss.</p><p>“Then I love you for the 20th and last time and then all over again, because you are the only one for me,” he smiled to the other and the eldest embraced him, hiding his face on his chest. Yunho closed his eyes while thinking on the last email he will ever send to the future.</p><p>He will live the past. His present. And when the time comes, he will meet the future.</p><p>The future he fell in love with and will continue to love as his present.</p><p><strong>From:jy1986@msn.kr.com</strong><br/>
To:kjj0126@msn.kr.com<br/>
<span class="u">Subject: Re: Life</span></p><p>
  <em>Thanks for letting me know… now, i can live with this. I can live knowing we r together again. I can breathe knowing that no matter how much pain we are at we will reunite.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>You saved me and now i’ll save you. I’ll love you harder and stronger than you can imagine.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>I’ll be there with your past. Ill love this jaejoong as much as i loved you because after all, you are the same person.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>I love you too, Jaejoong.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Jung Yunho</em>
</p>
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